Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
