how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
