So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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