oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
