You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
