This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Randomize
