Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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