I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
My cat gives me a boner
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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