i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
