Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
either way he was missing a nipple.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
