I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
