We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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