THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
