I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
