my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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