i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Small penises have feelings too.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
