I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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