remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
