totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
