Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
