I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
