Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
