I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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