i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
