tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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