Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
