I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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