If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
