I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We are all done wearing pants today
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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