Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
