I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
