thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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