she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
When are your genitals available?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
