Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
