Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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