I'm so fucking centered right now
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
