Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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