I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
