So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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