I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
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Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
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I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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