Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
