I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
