Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
