I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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