So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
did you just send me my own nude
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
