Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
