Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
