I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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