I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
