i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
