So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
