Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
