hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
