Will you blow on my dice?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
