Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
