He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
