So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?