i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.