Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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