i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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