there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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