When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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