The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
